Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
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Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Why the hell do we have butter knives? Steak knives cut butter just fucking fine. I’ve never said, “Do we have anything duller in the house? This is way too sharp for butter. It could slice right through that shit.”
Velcrow
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Well, my evening plans are ruined
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.