Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..

If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine

Round 2… FIGHT

– me, handing one tablet to both kids

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*

My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”

I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”

The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!

“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”

3yo: Mommy I peed in the bathroom!

Me: That’s great pal! …. Wait in the toilet?

3:…

Me: Did. You. Pee. In. The. Toilet?

3:…

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight

KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?

DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

Good news: I set an all time high today!

Bad news: It’s my cholesterol.

We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood