Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to be afraid of death by spontaneous combustion until my wife reminded me I’ve never done anything spontaneous in my life.

Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.

Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.

to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….

[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!

me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team

captain: no you wouldn’t

me: ok

FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”

“How are your resurrecting skills?”

Why? Just why? 😂

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”

“Eels?”

“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.

[Lady is being robbed]
“Help, Social Media Man!”
[Social Media Man swoops in & creates a facebook page called Mugging Is Bad]

While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.

Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…

Me: No

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?

Don’t touch my fries.

“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”

Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket

[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]

[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]

Me, squeezing back: Awww.

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.

Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.

Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.