Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
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11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
My sex drive has a dui
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
My problem areas are my upper arms & earth
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?