Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.

The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.

[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]

This is bullshit.

My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

Them: I don’t like you.
Me:

He looks like he’s got a lot to say

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.

– Me, terrible with first impressions

Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.

[1st date]

waiter: can I bring you anything?

her: maybe some Worcestersh–

me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–

her: and the check

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

[David Attenborough voice]

And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.

Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel

Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”

I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.

My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂

♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫

I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”

Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.

But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.