Van Gone
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If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
wait.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.