Van Gone
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I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Those are good neighbors.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful
My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Oh deer
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Unmatched
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
they should invent a customer service center that isnt currently experiencing higher than normal call volume
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Every laptop should have a “cat” button that disables the keyboard so they can nap
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
operators are standing by to ignore your call
