I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
You Might Also Like
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice