“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
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[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place