Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?

the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*

*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Me: Can I use it for my socials?

Mugshot Photographer: No.

“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”

-Pants

[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD

brother-in-law: guess how many miles I cycled today?

my 10yo: I don’t know, 4000?

him: no, 100.

10: oh, well hang in there and keep practicing!

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

I guess I’ll never be able to walk away from an explosion in a cool way like they do in the movies, this morning my toast popped and I stopped dropped and rolled on my kitchen floor

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh

*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?

I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.

Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?

18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.