Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”

“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”

“FALSE ADVERTISING!”

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.

Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states

Him: yeah?

*steals his car*

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.

#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick

My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.

Who wants to be my Valentine?

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

No one:

Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:

I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.

If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?

[fire alarm]

Hotel California manager: oh no

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff