Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

*to woman next to me in yoga*

how do you get the mat to stop curling back up

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.

My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”

Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805

Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.

*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs

once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them

Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.

Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.

Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.

[5 seconds later]

Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!

Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.

Or something like that.

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do

RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!

Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

[party]

GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!

ME: Yahtzee!

GUY: That’s not a drinking game.

ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?

[everyone looks at each other]

ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?

Server: Congratulations, ma’am

Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?

S: Your husband said you’re eating for two

M: Oh she’s not pregnant

W: I despise you

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal