Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.

Meet my wife, the dream killer.

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH

They say old habits die hard…

My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.

I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.

-Everyone’s mom

*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons

Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

me: can we go to the steakhouse?

him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous

“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.

Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”

The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.

SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M:  I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?

The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.