Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your drug dealer answers your call on the first ring …. he’s a cop.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.

Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost

Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator

Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert

how high up are we talkin’?

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

My toddler pushed one of their animal toys in my face and said “RROOOOOAAARRR!!!”

It was a penguin.

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

Cricket Audience: *goes wild*

Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip

[ date ]

her: i have a PhD

zombie: *jaw falls off*

1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?

Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.

Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.

I trust that will be the end of that.

I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”

Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth