Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.

Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”

I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.

When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.

I was playing outside with my kids and I tried to jump over something because I forgot I’m 40 anyways who wants to sign my cast?

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Are you having a good day? Or did you wear lip gloss on a windy day?

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands

ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*

CDC: Also brush your teeth

WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*

CDC: And take out the garbage

WORLD: Wait what?

CDC: Go make your bed

WORLD: Stop it

CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard

Her: why not try a fork?

Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder

I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

Her: You like shopping?

Me: Oh god yes!

Her: What’s your favorite place?

Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.