Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…

Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.

Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?

Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing

Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?

Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider

Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?

Me: No

You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM

The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.

He got away Scott free.

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.

14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

Hallmark needs to start making Hallowe’en romances. She’s a gal from the big city seeking a new life in a small town. He’s a mysterious horseman cursed to throw his flaming head at passersby for eternity. And when these two meet one night, sparks, and heads, will fly.

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Someone from the HOA came a-knockin’. They said something about the community pool needing upkeep. They were asking for donations.

So I handed them a sippy cup full of water.

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer

stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans

A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

To the person that stole my glasses.

I will find you, I have contacts.

No you shut up 😂🥳

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

My soul is possessed by fried chicken.

Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?

Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.

Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome