vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
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My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache