Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
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Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
same bro
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.