Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.

Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.

living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else

So sorry

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.

– Frank Piñata

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

I always carry a condom.

I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”

Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?

Overheard:

5yo : you think I’m ugly

6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.

After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.

*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”

“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!