Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
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I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!