Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
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we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
God has left this place
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
i wonder if hootie ever experimented with other kinds of fish
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?