Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
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Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?