Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Planet of the Apps.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
*exercises sarcastically*
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
