Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
Underage me: pretends to be sick so I can sneak out window to go to a party
Older me: pretends to be sick so I don’t have to go to a party
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???