[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
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STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
