Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

*goes to watch youtube vid*

BUFFER

well okay *lifts weights*

*checks again*

BUFFER

*does steroids*

BUFFER

“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

*Creating bees*

God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.

Angel: Sure thing, boss.

God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!

Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.

*me being romantic*

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?

Me: Sure, bud.

7yo: So when I die, will I come back?

Me: Now I see why you have a headache.

[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]

I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.

How to have a good marriage:
1. Hold hands
2. Cuddle
3. Take out the trash like I have been telling you to do ALL DAY Craig

Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.

ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.