Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time

given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..

Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age

Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older

The range on this guy!

I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”

“$3.23.”

“Oh, and a bottle of water.”

“$87.54. Please drive thru.”

Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?

Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*

[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me: “William”

I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?

Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.

“What?”
– Jude

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday

Me: whatever

[next day, watching game]

Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium

Me: what

[theres a knock on the door]

uh oh

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

My patronus is a cheeseburger

As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.