Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla

So many people out there need a grilled cheese cut diagonal and ten thousand dollars cash right now

Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.

[Seeing your baby for the first time]

Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.

Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.

I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

[first date]

Boy: so where are you from?

Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.

I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.

getting older means hearing an athlete’s name you haven’t heard in a while and having to google to see if it’s still him playing or if this is his son.

doctor: your parents were in a car accident

me: how are they?

doctor: they’re extremely critical

me: so they’re awake, that’s good

A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!

My Kids: Close enough

*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

These fireworks are awesome! High four!

Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.

To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.

Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?

GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?

Boxing is born.

Hey bro pleas stop using all the good skipping rocks at the river

“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”

-first rule of Sprite Club

[playing pictionary]

Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!

Him: Its a door knocker.

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.