vegan guy : im so hungry
horse : [calmly] how hungry
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If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
water it, i dare you
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.