Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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HEYYYY MACARENA

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

That f**k*d up moment when you think there’s one more step to walk down and you trip over the unexpected flat ground.

[at airport Subway]

One footlong before my flight to Zurich

“American or Swiss?”

I’m flying Swiss

“I mean for cheese?”

No, for business

The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex

Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.

‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?

Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces

Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.

Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.

Coworker: did you have a good weekend?

Me: obviously not since I came back to work.

I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.

My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS

Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.

All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.