Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him

Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here

Man: Money

Woman: Money

Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA

Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.

Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

[date]

him: I loved Captain Marvel.

me: Me too!

him: What was your favorite part?

me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana

ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals

me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy

judge: i meant questions about your life sentence

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

This guy gets it.

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

The good news: work is picking up

The bad news: work is picking up

They got Raph!

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes

Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”

Lambs: “Baaaa!”

Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”

Lambs: “…”

Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”

Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night

Ways to look busy:

1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.

Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.