Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !

Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

Ketchup isn’t food.

-words to ruin a toddlers day

Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.

Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now

If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now

aesthetic

to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Ladies, if he’s

– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber door

He’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.

My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.

watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

Ways I am superior to ducks:

1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts

2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family

3. Better Penmanship

4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)

RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job

Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: I don’t know when to quit.

Interviewer: You’re hired!

Me: I quit.

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”

Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”

A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.