Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Me as a therapist: omg same
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.