Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

Oh no Moo Deng noo!!

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.

Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.

the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.

[narrating a commercial for therapy]

“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot

How many calories are in Twitter beef?

I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.

Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.

When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.

Basketball games are very squeaky.

A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.

Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.

every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”

my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”