Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
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3yo: 🎵 You’re my best friend. 🎵
Me: Awe. You’re my best friend too.
3yo: No. I’m singing a song. Not telling you you are my best friend.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I don’t hate children, just yours.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Spring of Deception
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.