vegan witches, happy halloween!
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The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
tell em, edith-anne
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
The pen is writier than the sword.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no