Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)

Wife: have you registered here before?

Matrix: idk, put my email in.

(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)

Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing

Me: ok

T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.

there are so many of them & they are getting closer

uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos

Me: NO

lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers

wife: anyone have a pen?

james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.

w: thanks…why 3 times?

jb: its an old pen

w: its a bomb isnt it!?!

jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ

[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

sugar glider wrangler

Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?

Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?

me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.

Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.

Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.

Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.

It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.

Happy birthday to Bruce Campbell, star of the documentary series The Evil Dead. It makes me feel so much safer knowing he’s out there protecting us from deadites. Thank you, sir!

My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.

An egg looks at another egg and says:

“Why are you so hairy?”

“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”

#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe

The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”

no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping