Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*

[ IDEA ]

An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up

Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers

Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.

Me: What?

C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.

M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.

C:

M:

C: Have a nice day

Alien: This is candy corn?

Me: Yeah

A: But it doesn’t look like-

Me: I know

A: And it tastes like-

Me: I know

A: So this is kinda like grape soda

Me: There ya go

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: here? with you?

[texting]

her: 🍆+🍑

me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*

her: YES!!!!

lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!

I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.

We’re talking about food, right?

The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

How did the first person to read learn how to read?

Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg

Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

[at the bar]

Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!

Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

They fired me for telling the patients that the pandemic was caused by the cinema release of “Cats! The Musical,” but none of them could prove me wrong, could they?

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.