Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
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I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
Split the bill
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Chicken bread
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.