Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
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Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
In the event of a robot invasion, show them a photo and ask them to point out the street signs. It fries their circuits and they explode.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
💻🤡
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
[boss pulling me aside after the meeting]: I need you to quit calling me “m’lord”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”