Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
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To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?