Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
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A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Me: you seem disappointed
Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.