Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”

When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]

Later that night

Fitbit: time for bed

me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours

5: let’s play the quiet game.

Me: Okay

5: ready..? Start.

Me:

5:

Me:

5: whoever talks first is the loser.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks

Friend: Please don’t, please

Me: It’s about time

Ex-Friend: I’ve had it

I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.

There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.