Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
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what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Received some very disappointing news today
Working as an office assistant is fun. They will be like “Please schedule a meeting with these six people. Keep in mind that none of them are available to meet, ever.”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.