Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know why Apple is charging me 7.99 , 3.99 and 10.99 and I will never know. frankly that is none of my business

Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and

Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”

My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.

When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Just gave a homeless man $5 because I know what it’s like to be sober.

My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.

But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Don’t you feel like the bed sometimes traps us? 🛌😅 #wawawiwacomics

Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet

Somebody call the cops.

I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.

Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!