Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]