Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.

I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.

*must be why I’m single

I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.

Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”

Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.

What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?

[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”

Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.

Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.

My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”

Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”

I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)