Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
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Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Very good! 👍😂
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
Always this one for me forever
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
The Onion called it…again.
people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.