Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
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At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
the biggest red flag in a relationship to me is when a partner tries to open the mysterious locked closet in my study with the doorknob that’s always somehow freezing cold after i’ve explicitly forbidden them from doing so! that or they like a movie that i don’t like
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”
I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.