Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
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If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist