Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.