Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
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Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times