Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
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ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.