Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
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Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.