Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
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FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Dance like you’re not the father
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary