Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.

My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs

I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.

My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.

DATING IN YOUR 20’S

“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”

DATING IN YOUR 30’S

“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.

(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)

Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.

[hitting on a girl]

ME: can I buy you a beer?

HER: no thanks

ME: so two beers then?

HER: i said no thanks

ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer

I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.

What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’

If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.