Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.

7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified

7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials

Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.

Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge

Step 1: achieve tumescence.

Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.

Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.

3yo (confidently): But Mommy, people do not eat cows.
Me: Uh, bud, we do. Hamburgers are made of cow.
3yo (uncertain laughter): Mommy, that is funny for pretend. But I mean for REAL.
Me: Yes, for real!
3yo (w/ scorn) No.
Me: What do you think burgers are made of?
3yo: People?

😶

It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works

*walks in at 3am*

Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.

[front door 5hrs later]

Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up

WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?

ME: No but I have a sexy stapler

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”

-cheapskates

I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

Well. That’s not a good sign.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”

politician: i don’t get it

If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark

Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15

Me: look I know I’m a wreck

Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days

me:

cop: also you hit 26 cars

When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

Well, that should do it

You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?