Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
You Might Also Like
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Okay, I’m still confused…
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
WHY would you be happy about this?
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*