BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
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My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Biden: “Jiraiya is in a better pla…”
Obama: “I don’t wanna talk about it”
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Kid: What’s a man?
Dad: A man is who loves unconditionally , cares about you and protects you.
Kid: When i grow up, I’ll be a man like mom
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
The answer is funnier than the question
i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*