Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
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A customer told me they were never coming back….
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
#titanic
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
me: he walking like a cold duck
other friend: with his freezin duck ass
another friend: cold duck much??
friend who always ruins the riffing with something serious: guys what side are your appendix on?
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.