Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym

I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter

Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?

Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*

Yes, yes I do

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.

I ate it.

Then looked for more.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

Mom: Where are you?

Me: Mumbai

Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!

Instead of a tweet up,

I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains

You know…

A Couples Retweet

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.

CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx