Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Me: *using a hammer while demonstrating some diy* Now, you never want to use a hammer for this
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
My daughter: Dad, your hair is getting ridiculous. Like, do something about that bald spot.
Me: Why you little … Don’t make me combover there.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.