Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
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Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
A few days ago, the girls down the street knocked on our door and asked “is Nerys in?”, so I called her and she came out to see them. For the first time in my life I felt like a real dad.
Nerys is a dachshund.
make up your mind
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I think I’m having a stroke
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
“WHAT DEVILRY HAVE YE WROGHT!” I yell at my kid when I discover what he did to my YouTube algorithm
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.