Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

[playing flight simulator]

this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano

what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles

By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”

Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

Sometimes I wonder how such beautiful kids can really be mine.

Then my 4-year-old opens a door and runs into the door frame.

Then I know.

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed

ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work

YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.

Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack

Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.

america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon

teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?

i kicked the back of her seat ONE time

Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.

*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”