Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.

my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Me: One last time for old times’ sake?

Broken washer: No.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.

My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.

I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.

Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.

8-year-old: Why?

Me: For what you did last night.

8: You were supposed to forget about that.

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*

SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork

how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!

*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue