Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
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Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
It’s his time
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .
Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single