Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
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son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Sometimes autocorrect totally has my back, and other times I type “rbis” instead of “this”, and my phone is like “Nah I’m gonna leave it, she’s good”
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
who did the taste test?
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
A new survey shows that most Canadians want homes and pets rather than marriage and kids. Especially people who are already married with kids.
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*