Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
You Might Also Like
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
My church trusts me to collect and count the offering but not to pick up the donuts and that’s fair.
“AI is future of art, music, and writing!”
The future:
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
incredible google review i just found
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
this is funnier than any friends episode