Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
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ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”