Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(my date twirling her hair)

“Can I use your bathroom quick?”

Absolutely, gorgeous.

*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*

WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.

CHEF: Thank you.

ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai

I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Stop being racist to kettles.

WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*

PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.

Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend

A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.

pelicons

Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!

My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?

if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there

I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.

me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing

psychic: *whispers* seance

me: ance

You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.