Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings

Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!

My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.

I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.

My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”

WebMD: Parenthood

[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?

(takes off rubber glove)

“You can pull up your pants now.”

Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.

Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.

Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?

Her: Always start with eye contact

Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.