Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
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My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
Nice try, poison.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Sometimes, I have to remind myself that just because my 13yo is much taller than me doesn’t mean he’s in charge.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro