Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.

Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.

*never gets laid again*

Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.

[inventing the toaster]

engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4

chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.

There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

9: Whatcha watching?

Me: Tiny Houses.

9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?

Me: Two people.

9: Are they married?

Me: Not for long.

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok

HER: do you mind having period sex?

ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?

I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle

Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage