Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.

obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???

yoda: raise his son to murder him we could

Don’t leave me hanging, Larry

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

[God making spaghetti]

ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?

GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.

My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.

Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, how

Normal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why

BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?

FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it

Never mess with a drunken pig.

Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.

God: welcome to heaven!

Me: but i didn’t believe in you.

God: yeah i get that a lot.

Me: so… we’re all good then?

God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*

I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?

I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.

My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.

How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?

Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.

When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow