“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve visited Chernobyl… it’s 14
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
