Velcrow
You Might Also Like
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Bought a pair of sustainable
alligator shoes.
‘How do you know they’re authentic?’
‘I don’t have to cut my toe nails anymore!’
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Trains are just sideway elevators.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.